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Dads Don't Fix
Your Kids Newsletter |
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Greetings
and Happy Halloween!
Stress and a
busy life can make it difficult for us to see life from our kids
perspective. But attempting to be more understanding and patient with our
kids and looking at our own contribution to problems in our families can
be of great benefit. "Taking Your
Kids' Perspective" will give you some ideas about what to expect from your
kids and why patience is such a crucial part of what you do.
"As a child,
the critical eye of my father seemed to follow me around wherever I went."
(Arthur C. Clarke) It's quite
easy for most fathers to look at their kids with a critical eye.
And why not?
There's a lot riding on the outcome of your kids' development. There's the
nagging worry that you're not doing your job well enough and that your
child will develop "problems." There's also the fear of being judged as an
incompetent or uninvolved father by others. And there is the relentless
presence of your children, making mistakes by the truckload while you
watch. They do make
mistakes. Lots of them. And you have a number of choices about how you
respond to those mistakes and how critical you are of your kids. Let's
consider some different ways of looking at this issue to see if we can get
some perspective: A
Different Angle
If you're a
father who's really honest with yourself, you'll acknowledge that much of
the judgement and criticism that you have towards your kids is really your
own critical judgement about yourself. It's usually easier to be critical
of your kids than to turn the spotlight on yourself, isn't it? If you're
not careful as a father, you may run the risk of "teaching" your kids low
self-esteem through your criticism and judgement of them.
Doesn't seem
fair, does it? Fathers who
see their kids as capable and whole, on the other hand, will find far
fewer opportunities to be critical of their kids.
There are
other reasons why you should be more understanding with your kids. One
reason is to consider what it's really like to be a child. For instance,
can you imagine the formidable combination of having a brain that's not
yet able to exhibit emotional control and living in a house where you're
constantly told what to do by your parents? Think about it
for a minute. How many times do our kids get told what to do each day? How
do you handle getting told
what to do all the time? It's a wonder that kids respond as well as they
do. How
About Teenagers?
How about your
teens at home? They certainly should be able to respond better to parents
based on their experience, right? Not according to a recent study by the
National Institute of Health. A large study
of teenagers found that as the brain develops, it trims away excess cells
so that what's left is more efficient. One of the last parts of the brain
to complete this process is the prefrontal cortex, which controls
planning, judgement, and self-control. Many teen-agers have not
experienced the "maturation" of this part of their brain.
"[Adolescents]
are capable of very strong emotions and very strong passions, but their
prefrontal cortex hasn't caught up with them yet. It's as though they
don't have the brakes that allow them to slow those emotions down," said
Charles Nelson, a child psychologist at the University of Minnesota.
Researchers
say this may help explain the often irrational behavior of teenagers: the
mood swings, and the risks they're often too willing to take.
"If I walk
into a class of kids who are 14 or 15," said Nelson, "those kids have a
level of brain maturity that just does not map onto the kinds of emotional
decision- making that a lot of those kids are being asked to make by
teachers and parents. Added Nelson: "The more teachers and the more
parents that understand that there is a biological limitation to the
child's ability to control and regulate emotion, [the more] they might be
able to back off a little and be a bit more understanding."
It can be
quite easy for us to judge our kids harshly. But when you can begin to
enter your child's world and consider the developmental limitations that
exist, the call to a kindler and gentler way is undeniable.
Your kids will
continue to make mistakes. Your job is to
stay calm, love them, and gently show them a different way.
And to be
thankful that your kids are here to challenge you to become a more patient
person. Link
to Institiute of Mental Health Article....
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mark@markbrandenburg.com | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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