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Dads Don't Fix
Your Kids Newsletter |
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Dear
Mark,
Happy New Year
to you all! As it is the time of resolutions in our lives, today's
newsletter will involve commitments to become a more effective father.
What can you
do as a father to strengthen your relationship with your kids? How can you
make the limited time you have with them as meaningful as
possible? Here are three
gift ideas to consider: The
Gift of Discipline: The term
discipline is often misunderstood. It comes from the Latin word
"discipulus" and means a follower of truth, principle, or a venerated
leader. Disciplining
your kids doesn't mean punishing them. Your kids
won't learn to follow truth and principle when they're being punished.
They'll learn to resent you and learn the principle that "might makes
right." In the case of fathers who strike or spank their kids, your kids
will learn to fear you. Is that really what you
want? A more
effective way of disciplining your kids is to model self-control yourself
and to utilize time outs. The use of time outs is not a method of
punishment, it's an opportunity for your child to work through their
feelings and to be ready to resume their
activities. Using time
outs in a non-punitive way fosters security in your kids by teaching them
that when they can't control their feelings, their parents will keep them
safe. My children
taught me the ineffectiveness of punishment years ago when I would tell
them to "sit here" for their time out. They would sit down for a brief
moment and then they'd get up and go somewhere else. Were they defying me
or were they incorrigible? No, they were
just saving face and asserting their own power of choice. After awhile I
gave up this battle; it wasn't that much fun to run after them and catch
them, anyway! Your kids need
firm boundaries that are enforced consistently and lovingly. They need
limited choices. They don't
need to be punished. The
Gift of Acceptance
While it's
true that fathers are improving in the area of acceptance of their kids
feelings, there is still work to be done for most fathers.
One of the
most important things a father can do is to accept and try to understand
their child's feelings. Psychologist Dr. Haim G. Ginott, who wrote the
popular book, "Between Parent and Child," wrote "When children are in the
midst of strong emotions, they cannot accept advice or consolation or
constructive criticism. They want us to know what is going on inside of
them." For you
fathers out there who'd like to improve--It helps your kids when you're
aware of what they're feeling! Even when you don't know what they're
feeling, fake it! In other
words, "Would you stop crying right now!" is probably not
effective. "You seem
really sad right now," would be a much more effective
response. It may be
helpful to remember that kids' brains are not as well-equipped to control
emotions as ours are. What they need is parents who try to understand and
who accept their emotions-no matter how unreasonable they may seem to
you. Fathers don't
have to agree with their kids feelings. To be a more effective father, you
just have to make an effort to be "with them" in their feelings. A simple
statement ("that must be upsetting for you") can mean all the difference
in the world. On the other
hand, demanding that your kids change their feelings or stop feeling a
certain way is guaranteed to create more distance between the two of you.
It also reflects on your own insecurity and increases the chances of your
child becoming upset again. What seems
like a more effective choice to you? The
Gift of Time We live in an
unusual time. Never before have fathers been as busy at work and at home.
There are still alarming statistics that come out about the state of the
American family, in particular when fathers are not involved in family
life. For instance,
according to the Index of Leading Cultural Indicators, teenagers watch an
average of twenty-one hours of television a week. By contrast, they spend
only 35 minutes per week talking with their
fathers. The gift of
time to your children is beyond measure. And while it's essential to spend
some time in self-care for your own mental health, there are few fathers
who couldn't afford to give up at least one thing each week for their
family. How about you?
A round of golf, a TV show, a night of cards with the
boys? Fathers will
do well to remember the words of so many other parents who talk about how
fast the time goes with their kids. You'll have
plenty of opportunities to play cards when your kids are
gone. For more
information on how much time with your kids is enough, click on the link
below. Article on father's quality
time
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